Fakier Than Thou
ENTIRE CITY UNDER LOCKDOWN DUE TO BEARS
Port Townsend – A PT Leader headline about Brinnon Elementary school being placed under lockdown due to a lone black bear did not go unnoticed by the wildlife community. A total of 46 bears plus 52 cougars and numerous skunks, skinks, skanks and ferrets have been seen doorbelling Uptown neighborhoods and campaigning for the upstart ‘Smarter Than the Average Human’ Party. Terrified residents are staying inside and ignoring their gardens, which, according to Party spokesperson Harry Bear, “is precisely the plan.” The party is running on a platform of thinning the deer herd. A spokesbuck for the deer did not return requests for comment.
MIKE LINDELL OFFERS TEXAS WOMEN A MY-PILLORY
Toad Suck, Arkansas – The MyPillow billionaire has a special “stocks” deal for Texas women – an authentic personal wooden pillory that can be set up in the front yard. Should a woman feel guilty about anything – anything at all – she can have a male family member lock her into a MyPillory for casual stoning from passers-by, who are encouraged to chant, “Your body, our choice.”
NOISE FROM NAVY JETS ACTUALLY HOLLOW EARTH TITANS FIGHTING, NAVY SAYS
Whidbey Island — Navy jets are not responsible for the loud noise emanating from Whidbey Island, says Bud “Bomber” Beefneck, spokesperson for the Navy League. “The real culprit is deep tremors inside the Earth caused by descendants of plesiosaurs living in the underworld. They are fighting a lot these days, making tremendous noise at about the same rate as our Growler jet fleet expands.” When asked for data to back up these statements, Cdr. Beefneck said it was classified and in storage at an undisclosed sunny seaside location.
LIST OF BANNED BOOKS SO LARGE LIBRARIES LEFT EMPTY
Bat Cave, North Carolina – So many books are being banned that not only are libraries emptying out, but the list of banned books has itself now been banned. “Why worry about what’s out of reach now?” said a spokesperson for the “End Literacy, It’s a Liberal Conspiracy” Campaign. Some libraries are offering for checkout Gideon’s bibles pilfered from motels.
BOOK BURNING IS THE NEW WAY TO WARM YOUR HOME THIS WINTER, ADVISES BANNING COMMITTEE
Carefree, AZ – Don’t throw those books in landfills this winter, burn them! “Send those bad words up in smoke as you enjoy the warmth,” said the End Literacy Campaign in a press release. The Campaign is also advocating for a ban on any words longer than three syllables.
NAVY ISSUES CORRECTION ON JET NOISE SOURCE
Whidbey Island – The Navy has cited a new source for the noise that people think comes from Growler jets. “The jets are actually silent,” said Dick Power, new spokesman for the Navy League. “What you’re hearing are non-shaking earthquakes from deep in the earth’s molten core. They’re causing slippage along Whidbey Island fault lines, and the Navy Base is moving north at six inches per century. This is of course part of our long-term planning. By the year 9650, we’ll be far enough north where no one in the area will be able to hear the noise, which we repeat is not made by Growler jets.” When asked what happened to former spokesman Cdr. Beefneck, Power said, “Who?”