The Deranged Gourmet, Part 1.

Inflation is here and food prices are so crazy it’s almost cheaper to eat money! Today, in the first of a short series attempting to bring back those good old economical recipes of the 1950s, we explore the wonderful world of frozen salads. Get ready for a taste-tacular extravaganza!

1. Frozen Cheese Salad: You’re stressed. You’re out of groceries. Gas is six dollars a gallon, your kids are screaming, and you’re feeling mildly homicidal. Just fix them a Frozen Cheese Salad for lunch and watch those little mouths drop open! The kids will be so busy picking broccoli off it they won’t notice how easy it was to make this delish dish.


Cream cheese.




Freeze the cheese. Put it on a plate.

Surround with clumps of limp broccoli. Sprinkle broccoli bits on top.

Garnish with blades of fescue.

2. Savory Frozen Football Salad: This little beauty is for those hot lazy summer afternoons when what you’re really longing for is a frigid dark snowy beer-soaked January Super Bowl Sunday. So why not whip up a Savory Frozen Football for supper and watch your guests enjoy a super brain freeze!


Leftover chicken, or tuna if you don’t have chicken. Or Spam if you don’t have tuna. Or Whole Earth Farms Canned Liver for Cats if you don’t have Spam, but try to keep the can out of sight.

Red speckly diamond-shaped veggies.

Square white veggies.

Something that pours – Greek yogurt, eggnog, Frozen Margarita mix, whatevs.         


Blenderize the meat so nobody can guess what it is. Everyone loves a mystery!

Chop the veggies and mix them into the meat.

Into an old football you’ve cut in half, pour liquids and meat/veggies; mix together.

Freeze and serve to your appreciative guests as you huddle up and reminisce about icing the kicker.

3. Jellied Tomato Refresher: Nothing goes with vampire movie night like this little party pleaser! Your family will love the tomato-y goodness.





Chop up a bunch of tomatoes.

Chop them up some more. Emit unearthly howls for authenticity.

Chill them in little head-shaped glasses, garnish with large green inchworms, and serve. Sit back and enjoy the family feeding frenzy.

Next up: Passive-Aggressive Casseroles.


  1. Thank you, Karen, for starting my day with that once a year hysterical laughter! I, too, was brought up on jello “salad” as mentioned but with canned fruit cocktail and marsh mellows . The one time I tried to make it with canned pineapple, as my mother told me, the jello wouldn’t set, so I think we drank it! Does the local cooking store carry the head shaped glasses for the jellied tomato refresher?

    • Drinking a Jello salad is even more retro than eating it–just think of it as a slimy shake. I’ll bet you can get those head-shaped glasses locally, since there are so many of us around here who carry the childhood culinary memories.

  2. OMG, Karen – these are hilarious! But you need to include the Jell-O Salad Blob that was an absolute must at all Stetford Wives parties, marshmallows and pineapple included!

  3. The inch worms are a nice touch – my mom never thought of those. Your sense of humor adds spice to all the recipes.

    • My hubby is waiting for me to serve him one of these. I think he’ll be heading to the Pourhouse if I do.

  4. Very amusing! But I must note that the cat food is more expensive than Spam, tuna or chicken. My cat, Gracie, checks the prices to make sure of it.

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