The New Night Before Christmas

With apologies to Clemont Clarke Moore

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
No tech seemed working
Not even my mouse.
The stockings were empty
By the chimney, but, who cares!
There was hope that some AAA batteries would soon appear there
The children were texting
All snug in their beds
While visions of 3D game worlds
Danced in their heads.
And mamma with her Audible™️
book in her bed
And I with a podcast and phones on my head.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what’s the matter
Away to the window, I tripped and I crashed
Set my iPhone ™️ to video and turned on my phones flash
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of Game of Thrones™️ to the objects below.
When, to my wondering eyes, but who should appear
But a brown delivery truck and a driver so dear!
That little old driver, so lively and quick
And I knew in an instant that UPS™️ did the trick
More rapid than the US Post
Through the snow thus he came
And he whistled and shouted out and called them by name
“Now, iPhone™ And iPad™! Now Kindle™ and Nook™!
On Android™! And Alexa™! And Google Chromebook™!
On to the porch! Don’t stop at the mall!
Now click away! Click away! Amazon Prime™ to you all!
As dry wine that before the hurricanes is drunk
Nothing will stop me, though the traffic, it stunk!”
So up to the front door he ran, yes, he flew!
With an arm full of toys, and the brown clad driver too
And then in a twinkling, against the door did he crash
And his pawing and clawing, and he rang the bell fast
My Siri ™ based security system alerted me with sounds
But I opened the door and he came in with a bound
He was dressed all in brown, from his head to his toe
As his boots laces weren’t tied, I begged him to go slow!
A bundle of smiling packages he had flung on his back
They all were singing, their little mouths were soot black
His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses! His nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin, was white, don’t you know!
A custom made pipe, he gripped with his teeth
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
He had a broad face, a small little belly
As he laughed, I noticed that he was slightly smelly!
He was a bit chubby, a right jolly old elf
I thought he was stoned, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye, a turn of his head
Soon gave me to know, that his locks they were dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
Filling AAA batteries in the stockings, he wasn’t a jerk!
He laid out gifts, wrapped in glittering bows
Then he dashed to the door, shouting “I gotta go!”
He sprang to his truck, and to Alexa ™ he whistled
And away he roared off, like the flash of a pistol
But I heard him exclaim, as he raced out of site
“Happy Christmas ™ to all! And you can order all night! “

©Al Bergstein