The mega oil corporation ExxonMobil has sued Earth’s climate, saying the planet’s “unnecessary temper tantrums” are scaring Exxon’s investors and interfering with its windfall profits. “The planet needs to just grow up and take it like a man,” claimed their legal team.
A CEO who asked not to be named due to shareholder dissatisfaction said the climate is “in breach of contract” for failing to provide a livable planet beyond the next seven to ten years. “We need more time than that,” he said.
When asked for comment, the climate responded with a wildfire, two floods and an F5 tornado.
Activists at the recent 28th international climate summit, which was held at a Saudi gas station, said they looked forward to real progress at the 29th summit next year, to be held at an Azerbaijan gas station. Heads of governments from the larger nations represented at the conference were unavailable for comment due to receiving exclusive, closed-door fiddle lessons from some dude named Nero.
Meanwhile, scientists have discovered an alarming level of greenhouse gases spewing from an unexpected U.S. east coast urban source, but Congress was so incensed by their report that it threatened to shut down the government.
The case of Exxon vs. Earth is expected to reach the Supreme Court next year. In anticipation of this, Justice Samuel Alito, also known as ‘a man of the people except for women,’ said in an interview with Fox News host Sean Calamity, “Planets may come and go, but the Supreme Court goes on forever.” When asked about a tipping point, Alito said, “Twenty percent. Unless your waitress is rude. Then don’t tip.”
The Earth is being represented by millions of public defenders.
