FOX News Regrets the Error

Local writer Karen Sullivan offers some political satire to start off your morning:

FOX News is issuing the following corrections that are admittedly so minor they hardly merit a mention, but in the interest of our signature “fair and balanced” reporting, our viewers and readers deserve to hear them anyway. We also regret that our loyal audiences continue to be assaulted by Fake News from failing news organizations such as, well, they’re all failing, aren’t they! Except us.

FOX News hereby apologizes for the following:

Last week’s special Lifestyles segment on tasty recipes for rotting vegetables due to thousands of trucks delayed at the Texas border, thanks to Governor Abbot’s new inspection policy, should have also included recipes for rotting fruit.

A recent Tucker Carlson statement praising Russia’s cutting-edge technology on its warship Moskov was not entirely accurate. The Moskov was not designed to transform itself into a submarine.

We incorrectly reported that the January 6 Commission revealed an email to the former president from his podiatrist that exempted him from impeachment. In fact, the email, from the president’s attorney, Rudolf Giuliani, was highly complementary of Mr. Trump’s peachy glow of rage. 

We reported on a fight on the floor of Congress that broke out after an argument over which of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s gazpacho recipes is best. Reps Gosar and Gaetz were actually fighting over the Jewish Space Laser.

We retract the story that the former president sued six women for refusing to adjust their resting beyotch faces.

In a related story, we incorrectly said that in spare hours at Mar-A-Lago, Mr. Trump enjoys spending time reading Tolstoy. Further investigation actually revealed that he enjoys spending time watching Toy Story.

The “bloodbath” that FOX News is predicting for Democrats at the mid-terms is not literal, people. We aren’t advocating violence. “Bloodbath” is just a word. Our words only have meaning when we say they do.

We previously stated that the White House Easter Egg Roll was a signal for Bill Gates to activate the 5G chips in the brains of people who’ve been vaccinated. It was not.  Blue state voters are quite capable on their own, of turning into zombies who eat Conservatives.

At Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings, we described how Senator Lindsey Graham rode into battle like Teddy Roosevelt charging up Cuba’s San Juan Hill. The actual hill the Senator charged up was a bunch of steps outside the Capitol Building, but there were a lot of them.

Senator Graham did not shout, “She’s soft on Guantanamo!” He was singing “Guantanamera.”

Somehow it was misreported that Judge Jackson shouted back at Senator Graham. We have been informed that the Supreme Court’s only official shouter is Justice Kavanaugh.

Listen, people. FOX generates hundreds of news headlines each and every day. Our NewsTeam® strives for accuracy, so when fast-breaking stories limit our ability to fact-check, the occasional tiny error might slip by. We are the last stronghold of free speech in all of mass media! Our brand is fair and balanced! Our strict policy is to correct all mistakes before the usual packs of elitist kumbaya idiotarians in the Democrat Party launch their hot-air balloons at us.