All the news that’s fit to fake, right here.
MAN STARTS EXCITING NEW BOATING TREND. Port Townsend – A man went online to commission a wooden boat from the Wooden Boat School, but unfortunately, as he tiredly typed his order late at night, his finger slipped on the keyboard and they built him a wooden boar instead. It’s the first of its kind. Instead of being a ‘pig’ of a boat, the wooden boar is catching on; another customer has ordered one. They are planning a feral ‘free-range’ cruise and possibly a Wooden Boar Festival.
AIRLINES OFFER PASSENGERS A PRE-EMPTIVE PUNCH TO TOUGHEN THEM UP. Denver – U.S. domestic airlines have added a new feature to passenger service: a pre-emptive punch by a flight attendant trained in boxing. For a small extra fee, passengers may now elect to have a jab, a cross, a hook, or an uppercut as they board. “It calms them down,” said a pilot. “It’s harder to misbehave when you’re unconscious.” First-class passengers may also elect to be served a roundhouse kick by a karate master.
CAVIAR, CALLED ‘UNBORN STURGEON,’ NOW ILLEGAL IN MISSOURI AFTER FALL OF ROE. St. Louis – The State of Missouri is considering a ban on consuming or destroying eggs of any kind, not just caviar, and are debating its potential effects on the poultry industry. Concerns center around a bible passage in Luke 11:12, that advises an eggs-for-scorpions trade deal. “We’re not sure if people can get used to eating scorpions,” said one legislator.
ANCIENT BONES CONFIRM EARLIEST HUMAN ANCESTOR WAS A FACT-RESISTANT BACTERIA. St. Louis – Old bones excavated in an archaeological dig beneath the Missouri Legislature revealed that the skull of a newly-discovered species of human, Misanthropus misogynii, contained traces from a brain made of 97 percent fact-resistant bacteria. “This,” said an unidentified scientist who held up the skull for news cameras, “was one dim mofo.” There is outrage in the Missouri Legislature. After their success with books and reproductive rights, they are now considering banning entire species.
KERFUFFLE OVER GENDER SHUFFLE. Port Townsend – Continuing their objections that started at the Y Pool, anti-trans protesters massed downtown objecting to the Trans-Canada Highway being Canadian. “It’s ours,” said one. “It was assigned to the U.S. at birth, and it could lead to a Trans-Atlantic crossing. We all know what that means.”
130-FOOT SUPERYACHT SINKS IN BUCKET OF BILLIONAIRE TEARS. Sicily – Ten miles off the Italian coast, a $500-million dollar yacht finally attained its dream of becoming a submarine. The Russian owner, Oleg Garch, was too upset to give a statement. His publicist said by email, “A GoFundMe page is being set up to help Mr. Garch and other superyacht owners, and to support the heartbreaking business of end-stage capitalism.”
BOOK BANNING TO ACCELERATE IN IDAHO. Bonners Ferry – A group of residents is trying to pre-emptively ban hundreds of books from the town’s library, as soon as they can learn to read.
DECISION ON STUDENT DEBT RELIEF ANNOUNCED. Washington DC -This is the fourth announcement on announcing the federal government’s already-announced decision to decide on whether a decision on student debt relief should be announced. Whether debt relief is warranted or not is another matter for further announcements. Once the decision to decide is announced, the decision to proceed will follow, followed by an announcement on a decision about who qualifies. Once it’s decided who qualifies, the Supreme Court can deliver their smackdown. Today’s students will be able to claim their relief checks along with their Medicare benefits, in five decades.
CLIMATE CHANGE RENAMED. Washington DC – Formerly known as “global warming” and retitled during the early 2000s to a more compassionate-sounding “climate change,” the phenomenon is again being renamed. In a judgement against plaintiffs in Second Graders vs Superyacht Consumer Group, the Supreme Court’s opinion states that climate change will henceforth be called a “Regionally Curated Subscription Box of Artisanal Apocalypses.” Reaction is mixed. Congressional Democrats are upset about canceling something so useful as a permanently underfunded rallying cry, and Republicans are jubilant. “It is hoped that the new, more nuanced name will be more forgettable and tamp down unnecessary fears,” said an Exxon employee and former Secretary of State who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to speak to the media.
HOMEOWNERS ADD RHINO TO RAIN GARDEN. Port Townsend – The quirkiness that Port Townsend is famous for reached new heights this week when a pair of uptown homeowners released a live rhinoceros in their rain garden. “Rain gardens are a sustainable and low-maintenance way of providing wildlife habitat,” said one. “Also, zoo-doo for fertilizer is a trend, and this is the most organic way to get it.”