An open letter to dogs from Sparkleton T. Puppy II, esq.

Deer Peepl, meaning my peepl (dogs),

Pleaz, for the love of soup bones, do not let yer owner get a cat. Everyone knows cats will take over a democratic home with their arrogant yowling and hypey hissing, and their caterwauling about stolen dinners, and their demands to count every kibble, and whining about needing special masters to scoop their freaking litter boxes. Cats are Republicans. They demand the freedom to kill any bird they see and can look at you sour enuf to curdle the saucer of milk you just poured. They will threaten you with scratch-riots on the couch and pee on your pillow if you dare so much as try to correct their behavior.

Unlike dogs, cats are too good for a bit of rump-sniffery. Cats suk.

My owner luvs cats, espeshully a tuxedo cat named Fig that comes to visit and scare me. But she loves dogs more. She loves me. Me, me, me!

A dog doesn’t keep rubbing your leg with creepy DMs with its slithery tail after you ignore the first one. When a dog wants your attention he will wait until you’re watching, then poop on your prize roses. So that you know who did it. A cat would never admit to that.

Photo Proof that cats suk. Photo collage by ManiacNick.

A dog has the good sense to be startled by its own farts. And then there’s the endearing belch while a dog is still face down in the food bowl. It starts near the tail, rumbles up the torso, and exits the mouth like a tuba solo. It gets my owner every time.So when yer owner guvs you kisses, you must always boop her back, because dogs have boopable snoots. Cats don’t. They are attack cactuses.

And forget getting yer owner any fuzzy yellow baby chiks, the little peckers can’t be house trained. Chikens are the only pet for which there are recipes. It never ends well for a chiken.

Dogs are the answer. We are way more pettable even, than boa constrictors.

So, get yer owner a dog. Especially if yer owner is a writer, and most especially a novelist. And by the way, we have a lot of novelists in Port Townsend. You can help yer owner climb Mt. Wordy by calmly napping nearby.

How to nap: 1. Lie down near yer writer. 2. On yer back. 3. Gaze in adoration. 4. Collect all kisses.
Photo by author.

There are lots of writerly breeds to choose from. For example, a Plott Hound is an obvious choice, as is a Finnish Hound. And what writer isn’t antisocial? Let yer introvert bond with a Pariah Dog. If yer owner writes erotic bodice rippers, get a Blue Lacy, but for dominatrix lit you must buy her a Whippet.

Cookbook writer? You can’t find a better beta eater than a Chow Chow. Writers with mathy minds will appreciate a Trigg Hound. For writers with formatting problems, a Heading Dog can boost confidence. Got a horror writer? Try a Transylvanian hound.

If yer writer is all about high fashion, she might find The Next Big Bark in a Paisley Terrier. It’s the rarest breed of all because it’s ekstinked.

Does yer owner hate Brexit? A Eurohound can soothe her, but if she’s really, really upset, try a Cursinu.

Advanced napping: 1. Get into author’s lap. 2. Stare importantly. 3. Make occasional correckshuns with paw.

In conclusion, cats are sad tidy things, but akshually, there is nothing wrong with them that a miracle wouldn’t fix. A dog is a no-lose proposition.

My writing’s not very gud. But that’s on purpose, I don’t really want to be famous. I mean, look what happened to Harper Lee.


Sparkleton T. Puppy II, esq.

Sparkleton T. Puppy II, esq. is the author of “Mansfield Bark,” which won a Pawlitzer Prize. She is hard at work on a new screenplay called “The Power of the Schnauzer.”

Leave a Comment